FFX: The Musical?
by Alexis Rockford
Summary: That's right. I am doing the whole game with parody songs from musicals and other sources! Mwahahaha! Chapter 4: Tidus's dreams are affected by his Daddy Issues, and Kimahri randomly attacks. Rated T for some language and situations.
1. Auron, the Reluctant Sex Symbol

SquareHard (lol)  
  
in association with . . . me  
  
Present  
  
FFX: The Musical?  
  
Characters  
  
Tidus  
  
Yuna  
  
Auron  
  
Wakka  
  
Lulu  
  
Rikku  
  
Kimahri  
  
Seymour  
  
And others  
  
ACT I  
  
Sunset in Zanarkand. TIDUS is wandering aimlessly while an odd assortment of people surround a campfire. Most prominent is a middle-aged man in a long red cloak and shades. He is AURON. Another of the group is wearing a loose-fitting kimono with a large obi sash. She is known as LADY YUNA, the summoner. Also present is a dark-haired lady in a black gothic dress, her bangs obscuring her left eye. She is the sorceress LULU. Beside her is a man in his mid-twenties wearing baggies and sporting the stubble of a reddish beard. His name, WAKKA. The other two are a bluish leonine creature with a horn in the middle of its forehead, KAMAHRI, and a teenage girl in a tight-fitting tank top and shorts, RIKKU. Music begins to swell as TIDUS muses over the events of the past few days.   
  
Tidus (yelling to no one): Daddy! This is all your fault! Everything that's happened to me is your doing! And I've wanted nothing better than to stop you face to face since I came here. But it wasn't supposed to be this hard.  
  
(He breaks into song.)  
  
Tidus: I've been living to see you,   
  
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.  
  
This was unexpected, what do I do now?   
  
Could we start again please?  
  
I've been very hopeful so far,   
  
Now for the first time, I think we're going wrong.  
  
Someone up and told me this is just a dream   
  
Oh, Could we start again please?  
  
I think you've made your point now!   
  
You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home.  
  
Before it gets too frightening we ought to call a halt.   
  
So! Could we start again please?  
  
I've been living to see you,   
  
Dying to see you, but it shouldn't be like this.  
  
This was unexpected, what do I do now?   
  
Could we start again please?  
  
Yuna/Lulu/Rikku (absently chorusing): Could we start again please?  
  
Tidus:I think you've made your point now!   
  
You've even gone a bit too far to get the message home.  
  
Before it gets too frightening we ought to call a halt.   
  
So! Could we start again please?  
  
Auron/Wakka/Kimahri (zombielike): Could we start again please?  
  
Yuna/Lulu/Rikku (as not to be outdone): Could we start again please?  
  
Auron/Wakka/Kimahri (raising their voices): Could we start again please?  
  
  
  
Yuna/Lulu/Rikku (screeching): Could we start again please?  
  
Auron/Wakka/Kimahri (bellowing): Could we start again please?  
  
Tidus (silencing them with his suave presence): Could we start again? (He turns to the audience and speaks) Listen to my story. This may be our last chance.  
  
The stage fades to black and the scene changes to a busy metropolis. Crowds are gathered to mark the arrival of a superstar, Tidus. His fans motion for him to sign their weird spiky balls which he gladly does. After a few minutes of this nonsense. The crowd disperses and Tidus gazes up at a billboard of a haughty looking man. He smirks as he launches into the next number.   
  
Tidus:Hey, Dad, look at me  
  
And tell me what you see.  
  
You ain't seen the best of me yet  
  
Give me time, I'll make them forget the rest.  
  
I got a story, and I can set it free  
  
I can catch the moon in my hand  
  
Don't you know who I am?  
  
Remember my name (Fame)  
  
I'm gonna live forever  
  
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)  
  
I feel it coming together  
  
People will see me and die (Fame)  
  
I'm gonna make it to heaven  
  
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)  
  
I'm gonna live forever  
  
Hey Dad, remember my name  
  
You can't hold me back  
  
And you can't make me stop.  
  
I will shoot up straight to the top  
  
Let me blitz and give all I got.  
  
Daddy, I'm a star  
  
Too much is not enough  
  
I look at your face and just smile  
  
You know I got what it takes.  
  
Remember my name (Fame)  
  
I'm gonna live forever  
  
I'm gonna learn how to fly (High)  
  
I feel it coming together  
  
People will see me and die (Fame)  
  
I'm gonna make it to heaven  
  
Light up the sky like a flame (Fame)  
  
I'm gonna live forever  
  
Hey Dad, remember my name  
  
As the curtain goes down, the following sportscaster monologue is heard:  
  
Sportscaster: I was in a coffee shop, running away from home when I heard the news: Our hero, Jecht, gone, vanished into thin air! My dad must have been his biggest fan. I knew how sad he'd be. Heck, we all were that day. "Zanar," I says to myself, "What are you thinking?" I went running straight back home. We sat up talking 'bout Jecht all night. My dad and I never talked so much. Whoa... Didn't mean to reminisce, folks. Anyways... Ten years later, the Jecht Memorial Cup tournament is today! The two teams that have won through to the finals are...of course, the Abes from A-East and the Duggles from C-South. I know there's a lot of people out there today to see the star of the Abes! In just one year, he's become the team's number one player! He's Jecht's blood, and the new hope of blitzball! What kind of super play will he show us today? Will we see his father's legendary shot? I don't think I'm the only one excited here, folks!  
  
The curtain closes and a pulsating rock song fills the air. A sound like water filling a tank is heard followed by the excited shouts of a crowd. Suddenly, Auron walks across the stage, lifting an odd stone jug that emits rather large bubbles.  
  
Auron (shaking his fist at the invisible stagehands): Damn! Who put laundry detergent in the props again? (He shrugs and moves to the other side of the stage, slipping on a puddle of water as he does so.) What the...? This was supposed to be clear gelatin, wasn't it? Yeah, so I could do that cool step in the water thingy! Where's my agent? (He disappears behind the curtain.)  
  
The sounds of the blitzball game continue for a few moments before a loud rush of wind blows the curtain and water sprays everywhere. The crowd screams in terror as the curtain opens and Tidus is shown sprawled in an even larger puddle than the one Auron stepped in. Frantic music is being played by the orchestra. People run by Tidus, slipping and sliding on the waterlogged stage and nearly stampeding him as they escape the coming Armageddon. Auron himself appears beside Tidus and helps him up.  
  
Tidus (panic rising in his voice): Auron! What are you doing here?  
  
Auron (grunting as a surge of extras nearly topples him): I'm beginning to wonder that myself.  
  
Tidus (pulling out a drenched copy of the script): What are you talking about?  
  
Auron (grabbing the script and ripping it up): It begins. Don't cry.  
  
Tidus (aside, after extricating yet another sopping script from his pant pockets): That's the fayth guy's lines!  
  
Auron (also aside): Yeah, well he's sick with the flu and his understudy only speaks fluent Japanese.  
  
Tidus: Well, why did they assign him as the understudy, then?  
  
Auron (pocketing the script): He was the only one short enough for the part.  
  
(Alexis Rockford dodges random fruit being thrown at her for being politically incorrect.)  
  
Tidus (looks hungrily at the flying tomatoes): Mm, whatever.  
  
(Auron shakes his head and grabs him, making a break for the wings.)  
  
Tidus: What the...? Hey, wait! Not this way!  
  
Auron: Look! (He points to a large clear plastic blob being pushed onto the stage.) We called it "sin."  
  
Tidus: "Sin?" No, way! If that's sin, Vegas should've been called something else. There's none of that stuff around there!  
  
Auron (looking at the script he pocketed earlier he sighs and then hands it to Tidus): Take it.  
  
Tidus (confused): Thanks, I'm glad to have my script back but where is the sword?  
  
Auron (rolling his eyes): There's nothing to fight yet. The prop guy must be out to lunch or something.  
  
(Just then, a dozen rubber bugs drop on to the stage out of nowhere. Auron reaches for the swords, but can't find them until they fall from the sky onto Tidus's head, knocking him out cold.)  
  
Auron (muttering obscenities): Fine! Make the old guy do all the work. (He smacks the bugs off the stage and into the orchestra pit with his plastic matasume. The music stops abruptly as all the female musicians screech and run from the sinspawn. Auron rubs his temples, trying not to lose it as Tidus revives.)  
  
Tidus (getting up): Whoa, that was crazy!  
  
(The bugs are being flung from the pit into the audience for souvenirs as Auron throws Tidus the other sword, which he immediately drops.)  
  
Auron (helping Tidus get a grip on the weapon): A gift from Jecht.  
  
Tidus: My old man?  
  
Auron (exasperated): No, your sister! (He ignores Tidus's apparent confusion at his sarcasm as he continues.) I hope you know how to use it. (Tidus drops the sword again and picks it up by the sharp end. Auron looks up at the ceiling, muttering.) Hope really IS comforting.  
  
(The frantic females from the orchestra run across the stage and cling to Auron.)  
  
Frantic female musicians: Save us!  
  
Auron (prying random female hands from his muscular arms): These ones don't matter. We cut through!  
  
(Glad to finally make himself useful, Tidus starts whacking the girls with Jecht's sword. They shriek and start running off the stage again, Tidus in pursuit.)  
  
Auron: Don't bother going after all of them. Cut the ones that matter, and run! (Realizing how perverse that must sound, Auron reddens.) Erm, scratch that.  
  
(Jecht is offstage, laughing his fat head off.)  
  
Tidus (returning from chasing the women): What are you laughing at, old man? Auron! Let's get out of here!  
  
Auron (aside): If only it were possible. (aloud) We're expected. (He runs back the opposite way they came from, toward the big plastic blob.)  
  
Tidus: Huh? Gimme a break, man! (Auron climbs up the plastic blob. Tidus tries to follow, but slips and almost crashes to the stage. He grabs frantically at the slick plastic as a hole opens up in the side of the blob.) Auron! Auron!   
  
Auron (sticking his head inside the hole): You are sure? (To Tidus) This is it. (He waits for the orchestra cue, which is late, due to the fact that some of the girls have fainted on their arrival back in the pit. The bugs are gone, but apparently, some of them are overcome by Auron's charm :D The music finally starts.)  
  
Auron (singing): You have come here   
  
in pursuit of your deepest hope,   
  
in pursuit of that wish, which till now has been silent,silent  
  
  
  
I have brought you,  
  
that my presence may help you cope -  
  
in your mind you are probably thinking  
  
"Auron has gone crazy, what has he been drinking?"  
  
You still want to follow me; no second thoughts,  
  
you've decided, decided . . .  
  
Past the point of no return -  
  
no backward glances:  
  
your father waits for you to meet with him. . .  
  
Past all thought of "if" or "when" -  
  
no use resisting;   
  
abandon thought, and let the your hate begin  
  
What raging fire shall you unleash?  
  
Your great desire that he should die?  
  
What retribution lies before you . . .?  
  
Past the point of no return,  
  
the final threshold -  
  
what dark, unspoken secrets you will learn  
  
Beyond the point of no return . . .  
  
(Auron steps into the hole and beckons for Tidus.)  
  
Auron: This is your story.  
  
Tidus: What is? (sings):  
  
You have brought me  
  
to this ugly blob in the sky,  
  
you expect me to take all this nonsense in silence, silence?  
  
I have come here, hardly knowing the reason why . . .  
  
In my mind, I've already imagined   
  
what drugs you've been doing to make you this nutty  
  
and yet I will go with you; no second thoughts,  
  
I've decided, decided . . .  
  
Past the point of no return -  
  
no going back now:  
  
our FMV has now, at last, begun . . .  
  
Past all thought of sane or mad -  
  
some final questions:  
  
Why did I have to be that loser's son?  
  
And how can I confront him now   
  
when he's been dead for all these years?  
  
I fear that madness has consumed you!  
  
Both:  
  
Past the point of no return  
  
the final threshold -  
  
the bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn . . .  
  
We've passed the point of no return . . .  
  
Auron (disappearing inside "Sin"): It all begins here.  
  
Tidus (being dragged with him): Hey! Aaaaaaaaaaah!  
  
TBC...  
  
A/N: I hope you enjoyed this madness. I fully intend to "see the saga through," taking you on even more musical mishaps with the FFX crew, whether I get a good response or not! If you are not familiar with the melodies of these songs, I will tell you where they came from, so you can find the music and see how I changed it xD  
  
The songs in these scenes are parodies of the following:  
  
Could We Start Again, Please? From Jesus Christ Superstar, the movie version  
  
Fame by Irene Cara, from the motion picture and stage musical of the same name  
  
And  
  
The Point of No Return, from Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera. 


	2. Tidus is Clueless

A/N: A few thank-yous are an order before I begin chapter two. Let me acknowledge all my lovely reviewers!

AJ Taylir: Thanks for being brave and leaving the first review!

AriesSolar: You've always been appreciative of my work in no matter what fandom. Hats off to you!

Noroi: I'm glad you enjoyed my double entendres at Auron's expense. Poor man! The abuse he suffers! xD

Duchess of Serendair: I believe I recall reading some of your stories as Hopewell. And though it is flattering, remember to breathe this time. Lol

Opheliathedreamer: Remember me, Richelle Starker? I go to your site often, it's awesome. And I promise not to make this an Aululu or Aurikku. :D

Mourning Bird: This one's for you! I did manage to fill your request for "A Hard-knock Life" parody, and who better to help me out then the world's most annoying Al Bhed!

Cassandra Elise: What can I say to you, my best and dearest friend? You are always supportive of me in everything, and I can never express my gratitude.

Well, enough of that crap and on to the fun stuff!

Scene II: Ruins

The curtain is closed. Tidus's voice is heard as the stagehands prepare the scene.

Tidus (offstage): I thought about a lot of things...like where I was, what I'd got myself into. I started to feel light-headed... and then, sleepy.

Jecht (aside, also offstage): Yeah, Auron does have that effect on people.

Auron (likewise): Oh, shut up! At least I get a real part in this thing before the finale.

Jecht: Grr.

Tidus: I think I had a dream: a dream of being alone. I wanted someone--anyone, beside me... so I didn't have to feel alone anymore.

Jecht: Even me?

Tidus: I'm not THAT desperate.

As the curtain opens, there is a dull thud. We see what appears to be someone's legs being dragged off the stage. Apparently Auron has had enough of Jecht's smartass comments and has knocked him out in the wings. Tidus is facedown on the stage in front of a backdrop of a cave. Painted on one side of the scenery is an opening that leads out to the ocean.

Tidus (slowly getting up): Anybody there? Auron! Heeeeey! (He shivers and rubs his arms.) Out of the fire and into the freezer, eh? I need fire or I'm gonna die in here! (He scrounges about the stage until he finds some tinder and a piece of flint and proceeds to light the remains of an old campfire) I need food! (He lies down beside the fire as a fog covers the stage. Auron enters. Tidus, unaware that this is a dream, confronts his mentor.) What do you want now!?

Auron: It was a bad call. Your team lost because of you.

Tidus (confused): But we never finished the game! Sin came and disrupted it.

Auron (smacks forehead): This is a flashback, you dummy!

Tidus (sheepishly): Oh, right. Er, so you came to say THAT!?

Auron: It's been ten years. I thought you'd be crying.

Tidus: What does ten years got to do with anything? You are making no sense!

Auron (mocking): You cried. (He exits.)

Tidus (yelling at director): What was that shit for? And don't tell me it was plot exposition because it made zero sense!

Voice from Beyond: Go back to sleep.

Tidus: Make me!

(A summoner's staff falls from the sky and hits him on the head. He falls back down unconscious.)

Voice from Beyond: My sincerest apologies.

Yuna (offstage somewhere): The heck? Where's my summoning staff?

(The Voice from Beyond coughs loudly. Tidus finally revives and notes that his fire is burning low)

Tidus (frantically): Hey, wait! Wait! Don't go out on me! Just hold on, I'll get more wood. (Just then, a mechanical spiderlike creature scurries onto the stage, chased by several large men with guns and a girl in a kinky wetsuit. The spider attacks Tidus and he struggles to fight it. As he begins singing, the girl rushes to help him.

Tidus: Auron cannot guide you

Now you're on you're own.

Girl: Only me beside you.

Still, you're not alone.

No one is alone, truly.

No one is alone.

Sometimes people leave you

Halfway into Sin.

Do not let it grieve you.

Let your life begin.

You decide alone.

But no one is alone.

Tidus (speaking to Girl): You on my side? Cool! (pauses) Wait a minute, how did you know I was in Sin?

Girl (shrugging): We saw him attack, but anyway, back to the song.

Tidus: Er, right.

(sings) Auron isn't here now

Girl: Wrong things, right things...

Tidus: Who knows what he'd say?

Girl: Who can say what's true?

Tidus: Nothing's quite so clear now

Girl (whacking the spider):

Do things, fight things...

(turns to Tidus) Feel you've lost your way? You decide but

Both: You are not alone. 

Believe me, no one is alone.

You move just a finger,

Say the slightest word,

Something's bound to linger,

Be heard.

(Tidus attempts a rather difficult maneuver on the fiend and ends up flat on his back.)

Girl (helping him up): 

No one acts alone.

Careful, no one is alone.

Both: People make mistakes

Girl: Al Bheds

Tidus: Blitzers

Both: People make mistakes,

Holding to their own,

Thinking they're alone.

Tidus: Honour their mistakes

Girl (throwing a grenade):

Fight for their mistakes

Tidus: Everybody makes

Girl: One another's

Terrible mistakes.

Al Bhed can be right,

Al Bhed can be good.

You decide what's right,

You decide what's good.

Just remember

Someone is on your side.

Tidus: My side! My side!

(indicating the spider)

Someone else is not

While I'm seeing my side

Girl: Your side! Your side!

Both: Maybe we forgot

They are not alone.

No one is alone.

Tidus: Hard to see the light now.

(He fumbles his sword)

Girl (helping him right it):

Just don't let it go.

Both: Things will come out right now.

We can make it so.

Someone is on your side,

No one is alone.

Tidus: Whew! That was close. But what is Al Bhed? (One of the gunmen comes up from behind and grabs Tidus by the hair.) Hey! Lemme go!

Al Bhed 1: Fryd ec drec?

Al Bhed 2: Y fiend! Eh risyh teckieca!

Al Bhed 3: Oac! Ed ec cu!

(Al Bhed 2 puts Tidus in a headlock and threatens him with a knife)

Al Bhed 2: Fa gemm ed?

Girl (rushing to defend him): Fyed! Fryd ev ed ec risyh?

Al Bhed 2 (pointing knife at the girl): Drao yna dra cysa eh taydr.

Girl (angrily): E vunpet ed! Fa pnehk ed fedr ic! (The men relent and allow the girl, who is evidently their leader, to approach Tidus. She walks toward him with a small gun and puts her hand on his shoulder to whisper.) Cunno. (She points the gun at his chest and shoots him with a tranquilizer dart. He stumbles forward and falls unconscious. The curtain closes.)

When the curtain reopens, Tidus and his kidnappers, minus the girl are on the deck of a large ship. Tidus is on the ground again, as usual, when one of the Al Bhed approaches.

Al Bhed 1: Ced, lybdeja! (The thug punches Tidus in the stomach as he attempts to stand up.)

Tidus (keeling over): Hey, that hurts!

Al Bhed 2: Dryhg oui, Lybdyeh Upjeuic! (Translation: Thank you, Captain Obvious.)

Tidus: God, don't any of you speak English or Zanarkandese or whatever language it is that I speak supposedly?

Al Bhed 1 (angrily): Hu sujehk, rayn?!

Tidus: Whoa, ok!

(The girl in the wetsuit and another man with a blond Mohawk, cross the stage to join the others. It seems that the man is in charge of even the female leader.)

Leader: Caynlr res! (Two of the men pat Tidus down for weapons.)

Tidus: You know, you might have thought of that before I woke up, it would've been safer.

Leader: Tu oui hud cbayg? (He attempts to communicate with Tidus, making wild gestures)

Tidus: I said I don't understand!

Girl (searches script): Frah tet oui cyo dryd? (Translation: When did you say that?)

Leader: Ehcumahla! (Al Bhed 1 points a gun at Tidus)

Girl: Fyed! (to Tidus) He said you can stay if you make yourself useful.

Tidus (astonished and relieved): You . . . you understand me?

Girl: I sang that whole song in your language, didn't I? (Al Bhed one smacks him with the gun.)

Tidus: All right, I'll work!

Girl: We found some ancient ruins right beneath us. It's not active now, but there should still be some power left. We're gonna go down there and activate it, and then we should be able to salvage the big prize! (Tidus nods in agreement) Okay! Let's get to work!

(Tidus and the Girl leave the stage, feigning a "dive." The lights go down briefly and soon come back up as they return.)

Girl (to Leader): Fa vuiht dra airship! Dra naluntc fana nekrd. Huf, ruf du tnyk ed ib?

(Tidus follows the Al Bhed as they return below deck, but Al Bhed 2 rudely pushes him back.)

Al Bhed 2: Oui, uidceta!

Tidus (pouting as the door closes): Hey, I helped out, didn't I? (Realising that they are just going to ignore his protests, Tidus attempts the sympathy vote. He throws himself on the floor, writhing in pain.) Uh... hungry! (He is so wrapped up in his little pity party that he doesn't notice the Girl returning until she kicks him in the shoulder.) Ouch! There must be a less painful way to communicate around here!

Girl (placing a tray of food in front of him): Cunno, vneaht. (Translation: Sorry, friend)

Tidus: Whoa! Right on! (He gobbles the food down as though he'll never see any again. Suddenly, he begins to choke and fan himself.) Are you guys trying to poison me or something?

Girl (handing him a pitcher of water which he quickly gulps down): Al Bhed food is spicy. And besides, you eat too fast.

Tidus (standing up): So what is your name?

Girl: Rikku.

Tidus: Whoa! You really do understand! Why didn't you say so earlier?

Rikku (kicking him): Excuse me, but I did, you big meanie. And I sang a whole song in Spiran with you.

Tidus: What is Spiran?

Rikku (knocking his head): The common language of Spira, duh!

Tidus: What's Spira?

Rikku (sighs and shakes her head): Just let me do the talking, ok? I had a hard enough time convincing everyone that oui weren't a fiend.

Tidus: Oui?

Girl: Oh, "oui" means you.

Tidus (as clueless as ever): Who are you guys, anyway?

Rikku (esasperated): We're Al Bhed! I've told you THAT already, too! (She suddenly pauses.) Wait. You're not an Al Bhed hater, are you?

Tidus (as the next music into begins): I don't even know what an Al Bhed is.

Rikku: Then just be glad you aren't one. You see

Rikku (sings in an annoyingly high voice):

It's the hard-knock life for us!

It's the hard-knock life for us!

'Steada treated, We get tricked!

'Steada kisses, We get kicked!

It's the hard-knock life!

(She kicks Tidus to prove her point. He howls with pain as she launches into the next verse)

Lots of folks hate Al Bhed, so,

It's the hard-knock role, we know!

When we come into a town

People greet us with a frown

It's the hard-knock life!

(Rikku waves her arms around to simulate a hurricane. She nearly knocks Tidus over)

Don't it feel like the wind is always howl'n?

Don't it seem like there's never any light!

Once a day, we just wanna throw the towel in?

It's easier than puttin' up a fight.

No one's cares that our boats are getting leaky!

No one cares if we float...or if we sink!

No one cares that our floorboards all are creaky!

From all the cryin' you would think we'd taken to drink! 

Ohhhh!!!!!!!

Shamed and hated life!

Much degraded life!

Full of sorrow life!

No tomorrow life!

Summoners we never see

Tidus: Summoners, what's that?

Tell me!

Rikku: Everyone just wants you dead

When they find out you're Al Bhed!

It's the hard-knock life!

Rikku: And it's all because of that stupid Yevon ban on our machina. Mean old Maesters! (She imitates Maester Mika): You're the reason that the whole world is doomed. Repent and turn from your evil machines!

Yank the whiskers from his chin

Jab him with a safety Pin

Make him drink a mickey finn

Above all: Praise be to Yevon!

(She does a sacrilegious imitation of the prayer.)

It's the hard-knock life for us

Everyone just wants you dead

When they find out you're Al Bhed!

It's the hard-knock life! It's the hard-knock life!

It's the hard-knock life!

(The music climaxes and fades.)

Tidus: Whoa, sounds rough. But I still don't understand a few things like what are summoners, maesters, and Yevon?

Rikku: I'd rather not talk about it. Besides if I tell you everything now, it will be an awfully short game.

Tidus: If you say so.

Rikku: So, where are you from?

Tidus (proudly): Zanarkand. I'm a blitzball player. Star player of the Zanarkand Abes! (He pretends to kick a blitzball.)

Rikku: Did you hit your head or something?

Tidus (rubbing his skull): Um, you guys hit me. A lot.

Rikku: (embarrassed): Oh, right. Do you remember anything before that?

Tidus (turning to audience): So I told her everything there was to tell about Zanarkand... about life there, blitzball, and Sin's attack...and about how Auron and I were engulfed in this light. I just said things as they came to mind. But then I started to wonder... (to Rikku): Did I say something funny?

Rikku (patronizing): You were near Sin. Don't worry, you'll be better in no time. They say your head gets funny when Sin is near. Maybe you just had some kind of dream?

Tidus: You mean I'm sick?

Rikku: Of course! No one could be as good-looking as that man you described. What was his name?

Tidus (confused): Me? Tidus?

Rikku: No, no, no, the OTHER guy. The one with the badass sword.

Tidus (muttering): I don't believe this...

(Auron is heard chuckling offstage.)

Rikku: Anyway, there is no Zanarkand anymore. Sin destroyed it a thousand years ago. So no one plays blitzball there.

Tidus (turning on her in surprise): What do you mean, a thousand years ago? But I saw Sin attack Zanarkand! You're saying that happened a thousand years ago? No way!

Rikku (trying her best to be consoling): You said...you play blitzball? (Tidus nods.) You know, you should go to Luca. Someone might know who you are, or you might find someone you recognize.

Tidus: Luca?

Rikku (aside): Hmm, Sin's toxin is worse than I thought. (aloud) Okay, leave it to me! I'll get you to Luca, promise! Unless you'd rather stay here? (Tidus shrugs) Okay, I'll go tell the others. Wait here. (She turns toward the door then turns back.) Oh, and one thing: Don't tell anyone you're from Zanarkand, okay? Yevon says it's a holy place. You might upset someone. (She heads for the door again and turns back once more) And one more thing...

Tidus (angry): Jeez, can't you follow the script and leave already.

Rikku (pouting): But I won't be back for 50 pages! (Tidus glares and she finally exits.)

Tidus (turning back to audience): My Zanarkand, some kind of holy place? Yeah right, I thought. Since when? Yevon? Sin? Luca? I thought Sin just took me to a faraway place, that I could go back in a day or two. But a thousand years into the future? No way! (He kicks a crane in frustration. Suddenly, the ship begins to quake and Tidus is tossed into the orchestra pit. Voices can be heard from inside below deck.)

Al Bhed 3 (offstage): Sin!

Al Bhed 2 (offstage): Sin ec lusa!

Leader: Ihtan ic! Ihtan ic!

(The stage goes black and the curtain comes down.)

A/N: Songs featured are parodies of "No One Is Alone" from _Into the Woods_ and "Hard-Knock Life" from _Annie._


	3. Wakka and His Joyous Mental Issues

Scene III: Besaid Island 

The curtain is closed, but has a spotlight shining on it in the shape of a palm tree. It appears Tidus is stranded on an Island.

Tidus (lying facedown on the stage): Where am I?

A group of muscle-bound athletes walks across the stage and surrounds him, peering curiously. One of them is holding one of those white balls from Zanarkand. Their leader, WAKKA, speaks to Tidus's prone form.

Wakka (in phony Jamaican accent): Hey! You okay?

Tidus (opening his eyes and spotting the ball): Heeey! Blitzball! (He grabs it and does an amazing shot into the orchestra pit. The female musicians scream for Auron. Tidus rolls his eyes and smiles through clenched teeth.)

Wakka (looking impressed): You're no amateur. Who you play for?

Tidus (hands on his hips): The Zanarkand Abes!

(The group gasps in shock and begins whispering amongst themselves.)

Wakka (dumbstruck): What team you say again?

Tidus (remembering what Rikku told him): Uh, I meant... Forget that. I got too, uh...close to Sin and my head's all foggy-like, so I don't know where this place is, or even where I came from.

Wakka (still taken aback, but now sympathetic): Sin's toxin got to you, but you're still alive. Praise be to Yevon! (He and the others perform a reverent bow to their god. He then turns to the team.) All right, back to practice! (They scurry off the stage. He smiles and offers a hand to Tidus.) I'm Wakka, coach and captain of the Besaid Aurochs, brudda. (Tidus reaches out to shake his hand, but suddenly clutches his stomach, moaning.) What? You hungry? Okay! Back to the village. I'll get you somethin'!

(Tidus turns to the audience and says as an aside): _I felt like I could trust this Wakka, even though his accent was beginning to piss me off, so I just had to ask._

Tidus: It's true Zanarkand was destroyed, right? A thousand years ago? So it's just a big pile of rubble now, isn't it?

Wakka (sighs and puts an arm around him): Long time ago, there were a whole lot of cities in Spira: big cities with machina--machines--to run 'em. People played all day and let the machina do the work. And then, Sin came and destroyed the machina cities, Zanarkand along with 'em. Yeah, that was about a thousand years ago, just like you said. If you ask me, Sin's our punishment for letting things get out of hand. What gets me, though is we gotta suffer, 'cause of what some goofballs did way back when! 'Course, we must always repent for our sins! That's important! It's just that, it's hard to keep at it sometimes, you know?

Tidus: Er, why are you telling me all this? I just asked if it was destroyed.

Wakka: My analyst says I got to get this stuff off my chest somehow, ya? Anywho. (He chuckles appreciatively and gives Tidus a noogie.) You, from the Zanarkand Abes--that was a good one! (Tidus pulls away and looks insulted.) Hey, I'm not saying that team never existed, ya? But you gotta figure a team living in luxury like that'd be pretty soft, eh? (Wakka walks offstage, beckoning to Tidus.)

Tidus (aside again): _I appreciated the fact that Wakka was trying to cheer me up, but how much stock can you put in a guy who's admitted that he's mentally unstable? All I could think about was that everything that happened to me--all this--started with Sin. Maybe if I could find Sin one more time, I could go home! For now, I'd just live life until that time came. No more worrying about where, or when, I was. Sure it was hard not to think of home. But I started to feel better already. A little better...maybe._

(Wakka comes back on the stage.)

Wakka (nervously): Uh, I got a favor to ask ya.

Tidus (warily): You want me to listen to your life story, right?

Wakka: Sure, but maybe later. What I was tinking about was dis: could you join our team? A major blitz tournament's coming up. All the teams in Spira'll be there! It's so huge, I'm sure someone there will recognize you! Then you can go back to your old team, right? It'll be fun! What do you say, huh? Come on, come on!

Tidus: Sure thing.

Wakka: Dude! Our team is gonna rock, eh? (He runs off excitedly.)

Tidus (to audience):_ Dude? Puh-lease. At that time, I thought then that blitzball and Sin were the only things that Spira and Zanarkand had in common. I wasn't too far off, either._

Tidus runs off after Wakka and the curtain opens, revealing a rather primitive tent village. The Villagers walk about the stage, tending to their own business. Wakka and Tidus enter.

Wakka: About that life story, ya? Can I tell it? (He jumps up and down like a kid.)

Tidus (sighing): All right.

Wakka: This here is Besaid Village; it's where I was born. I started blitz when I was five. I joined the Aurochs at thirteen...ten years ago. Ten years...and we never won a game. Well, after last year's tournament, I quit. Time seemed right. So, after quitting, I got this new job, ya? But every time my mind wandered, I thought about the game.

Tidus (already bored): Ten years without a single win'll do that.

Wakka: My first match last year was my big chance, but something else was on my mind. I couldn't focus.

Tidus: Nice excuse.

Wakka: Hey, hey! My analyst says I'll never get over my guilt complex widout positive reinforcement, ya?

Tidus (flatly): Ok. Fine. Great hair.

Wakka (grooming): You really tink so? Aw, danks!

Tidus: Back to blitzball. You want to win the next tournament, right? Go out with a bang? (Wakka nods.) So, what's our goal?

Wakka: Let me tell you about how we play blitz on the Aurochs, brudda:

(The Orchestra plays eight quick cords and Wakka starts singing.)

Wakka: When you play blitz with the Aurochs it's true

We will never ask more than the best you can do.

When you're with us, we just do what we can,

We're all bruddas with dreams though we don't have a plan.

We know that we're bad, that's why we're always beaten.

Although we are sad,

We're never caught at cheatin',

Only at eatin'!

Then you are set with a capital "A"

That they'll never forget til your last dying day!

With the Aurochs, just do your best!

(By this time, several of the Aurochs have come out of the tents and are listening with pride. Tidus, however, is unimpressed.)

Tidus: No, no, no, no, no. If I say "What's our goal?" you say "Victory!" When you play in a blitzball tournament, you play to win!

Wakka (nonplussed): Victory? You serious?

(Tidus nods and picks up the song.)

Tidus (sings):

When you play blitz, you must give it your all.

Keep your mind on the game; keep your eye on the ball.

When you play blitz let them know who is king,

Score at least seven points; it's the simplest thing!

Tidus/Wakka/Aurochs (sing):

The Aurochs are here, our cylinders are clicking.

The rest will just jeer,

Cause every single one thinks we're lousy chickens!

But we are the Aurochs, and we're doin swell,

Someone gets in our way, someone don't feel so well.

Here we come now, little world step aside.

Better go underground, better run, better hide.

Aurochs/Wakka:

We're drawing the line, this time we really got it.

We're gonna be fine,

The Aurochs haven't rotted; we've just re-potted!

Tidus (speaking): What the hell is that supposed to mean? CHANGE IT!

Aurochs/Wakka:

We're drawing the line, this time we really mean it.

We're gonna be fine,

As Tidus has foreseen it; we'll come through clean yet!

Here come the Aurochs, and we're gonna beat

Every last blitzball team on the whole buggin street.

On the whole buggin, ever lovin street! Yeah!

(As the song ends, the Aurochs, minus Wakka, split to practice, and two men in unusual battle garb emerge from the temple and wander into the middle tent on the left.)

Tidus (pointing): Who are they?

Wakka (scolding): It's rude to point.

Tidus: Whatever. Just answer the question.

Wakka: They are Luzzu and Gatta--Crusaders.

Tidus (confused): I thought the Dark Ages were over.

Wakka: No, no! Not _that_ kind of Crusader! (Tidus hangs his head.) Hey, sorry. Don't worry about it, I'll help you out.

Tidus (pepping up): Cool! In return, come tournament time, I'll make sure we take the cup!

Wakka: Cool. About the Crusaders, you can ask them yourself. That's their lodge they just went into.

Tidus: They got any food there? 

Wakka: Dey usually got some for travellers in da temple. But first. (He pulls him to one side of the stage, away from the other villagers.)

Tidus: Aw, come on! Enough already! I'm starved!

Wakka: You do remember the prayer, right? (Tidus shakes his head.) Man, that's like the basics of the basics. Alright, I'll show you. (He spreads his arms and brings them back toward his chest, one hovering slightly over another. He is about to bow as he did on the beach when a loud buzzing noise is heard. Wakka's head looks up and seems to be following something. Suddenly, the buzzing stops and Wakka smacks himself hard on the forehead.)

Tidus (bewildered): Okie dokie. (He repeats the prayer, including the head swivelling and smack on the forehead.)

Wakka: No, no, no, no! Geez, mon, I was just swatting a fly. Dat's not part of the prayer (He does the prayer correctly now.) Go ahead, you try.

Tidus: Oh! (He does it.)

Wakka: Hey, not bad. Okay, now go present yourself to the temple summoner. (He walks offstage through the door of a hut.)

Tidus (aside): Any blitzball player would know that prayer. It was the blitzball sign for victory. (He walks toward the back of the stage where a temple is painted. Some people appear to come out of the temple, praying to statues just outside. Tidus stops to watch, awed and bewildered.) It was then, standing in that place. I began to realize how different this world was from my own. (He notices a newer statue of a man in robes, holding a staff. As he looks at it, an ACOLYTE approaches Tidus.)

Acolyte: Ten years have passed since Lord Braska became high summoner. And finally we received a statue for our temple.

Tidus (scratching his head): What's a high summoner? (A shudder ripples through the group of worshippers. Tidus looks down in horror.) What? Is my fly down? (He suddenly remembers his line.) I mean, I. . . uh got too close to Sin's, uh, toxin.

Auron (offstage, slapping his forehead): D'oh.

(Tidus wanders back downstage, soliloquizing once more.) It was funny hearing myself make the same excuse over and over. Funny, and a little sad.

Auron (offstage, muttering): Let me tell you who's funny and a little sad.

(The acolyte follows him to explain.)

Acolyte: The summoners are practitioners of a sacred art, sworn to protect the people of Yevon. Only a chosen few become summoners, who call forth entities of great power: the aeons. The aeon hear our prayers and come down to us. They are the blessing of Yevon.

(Tidus walks back toward Wakka's hut.)

Tidus (to audience): So what he meant...was that we should respect some kinda great man or something like that...I figured.

Wakka (emerging from hut): You are so clueless. Sorry, man. No time for lunch yet. Take a nap! You look bushed.

(Tidus exits the stage, presumably to nap. Wakka is about to follow him when the Acolyte comes forward.)

Acolyte: You could at least go see how they are doing.

Wakka: We can't interfere. It's a rule."

Acolyte: But, it's been nearly...

(Snores are heard from inside the hut.)

Auron (offstage): If that moron stays unconscious, we might yet be able to save the show!

Voice From Beyond: Fat chance, Death-Boy.

Auron: Why you…

To be continued.

AN: Sorry this took so long. Life (aka college) got in the way. Tell me what you think of this latest installment.


	4. Yuna Propositions Tidus

When the lights come back on, the curtain is closed and Tidus is asleep in front of it, tushy in the air. YOUNG AURON is standing on the stage with a woman, Tidus's MOM. The fog machine and an eerie bluish light signify that this is a dream.

Young Auron: But, it's been nearly... It's been nearly a year already.

Mom: Perhaps you could go look for us.

Young Auron: People are still searching for him out there, but they won't find him.

Mom: We can still try. (Young Auron shakes his head, looking depressed. She puts her hand on his shoulder.) You've done so much, Auron Thank you. (He nods and tries to leave, but she won't remove her hand from his shoulder.)

Young Auron: Let go!

Mom (rubbing his back): Don't you like this?

Young Auron: One minute you're heartbroken about your husband and the next you're coming on to me? Why are you so fickle?

Mom (giggling): Cause I'm a woman, silly.

Young Auron: I had to ask

(A little boy runs on the stage wearing the same costume as Tidus.)

Young Tidus: Who cares whether he comes back or not?

Mom (releasing her grip on Young Auron): But he might die!

Young Tidus: Fine, let him! (Young Auron takes this opportunity to sneak off.)

Mom: Do you... Do you hate him so?

Young Tidus (nodding): Yes.

Mom: If he dies, you'll never be able to tell him how much you hate him.

The prone form of Tidus gets up and faces the audience as the dream characters glide away and the fog abates.

Tidus: Is this woman sick or what? No wonder I'm so screwed up!

Wakka (over speakers): Tidus! Wake up! Wake up!

Tidus: Wakka?

(Wakka walks across the stage, looking upset.)

Tidus: Is something wrong?

Wakka (annoyed): No, I always look this depressed. Of course there's something wrong! The summoner hasn't returned from the trial.

Tidus: Eh?

Wakka: Well, apprentice summoner, really...

Tidus: Ah?

Wakka: Just shut up and listen smartass. There's a room in the temple called the Cloister of Trials. Beyond is wherethe apprentice summoner prays. If the prayer is heard, the apprentice becomes a fully-fledged summoner, remember?

Tidus: Remember? I never knew any of this mumbo-jumbo in the first place! Give a guy some slack! (Tidus suddenly realizes those weren't his lines. He looks sheepish and continues.) So someone is in there somewhere and they haven't come back out. Right, I

got it.

Wakka (to the audience): Why, oh, why did I ever decide to help this bozo? (Tidus overhears, but doesn't get that it's an insult.)

Tidus: Because of my incredible charisma?

Wakka: No.

Tidus: My handsome good looks?

Wakka: No.

Tidus: My . . .

Wakka (angrily): Will you shut up?! (Tidus jumps in surprise. Wakka holds his head in his hands before picking up the script again.) A day's already gone by.

Tidus: Is it particularly dangerous in there?

Wakka (exasperated): If it weren't, would I be worried?

Tidus: Then, why don't you go in and help?

Wakka: Gee, I don't know. There's already guardians in there. Besides, it's forbidden.

Tidus: Hey, but what if somethin' happens? What if the summoner, whatever _that_ is, dies!?

Wakka: The precepts must be obeyed!

Tidus: Like I care! (He runs offstage, Wakka right behind.)

The curtain opens, revealing the inner chamber of the Cloister of Trials. A beautiful lady in a black dress stands in to the left of a large marble staircase; she is LULU, a black mage. Across from her is a man in a furry blue lion costume, KIMAHRI. Both look expectantly at the top of the stairs. Wakka and Tidus run onstage.

Wakka: Hey! What's gotten into you? Only summoners, apprentice

summoners, and their guardians can enter here. It's a tradition. Very important.

Tidus: So what about you?

Wakka: Me? I'm a guardian.

Tidus: A guardian? What's that?

Wakka: Summoners go on a pilgrimage to pray at every temple in Spira. Guardians

protect them. It's tradition.

Tidus: Geez, is anything _not_ tradition around here?

Wakka (scratches his head for a moment to think then says): Nope, not really. The guardians in there now... One of them's got a short fuse, and

who knows what the other's thinking. Well, now that we've come this far...might

as well go all the way!

(They approach the staircase and Lulu turns to Wakka accusingly.)

Lulu: What are you doing here? Didn't think we'd be able to handle

it?

Wakka: No, it's uh...it's just... (to Tidus) See, I told you she gets mad easy. (Tidus ignores him while having a silent glare fest with Kimahri. Wakka finally shakes him until he remembers his line.)

Tidus: Er, is the summoner all right?

(Lulu turns toward Tidus, noticing him for the first time. A light of recognition flickers in her eyes, she shakes her head, but then stares again.)

Lulu (confused): Who are you?

Tidus, mistaking her bewilderment for starstruck adoration, grabs her and kisses her full on the lips. Lulu screams and starts hitting him. Suddenly, the door at the top of the stairs opens and a beautiful female summoner steps out. This is YUNA. Yuna appears to be very exhausted. She stumbles down the stairs and starts to fall when Kimahri runs to catch her. Unfortunately, Yuna is deadweight and both come tumbling down the stairs towards the others. Everyone ends up in a heap. When they finally disentangle themselves, Yuna stands up.

Yuna: I've done it. I have become a summoner!

Tidus: (to the audience, while smoothing his mussed hair) Man was I surprised. And here I was thinking summoners were all old geezers.

Braska (offstage): Thanks a lot! (Jecht baps him with a stick.)

Wakka: Hey, over here! (He and the others back up as Yuna begins to twirl her staff, Wakka dragging Tidus.)

Tidus: What? Ow!

Wakka: Wait till you see this!

Tidus (pulling away): I can't see anything!

Wakka: (to Yuna) Ready!

Yuna: Okay! (She continues to wave her staff around until a giant stuffed chicken falls from the sky onto the stage.) This is Valefor.

Tidus: (aside) I had never seen anything like it in my life. Sure, it was a

little um, scary, but still...I could feel a strange kind of juiciness-I mean-gentleness coming from it.

VALEFOR clucks and flies away. The curtain closes and the blitzball players from before come out in front of the curtain with a plastic glowing campfire. They drop it with a "squeak" and exit. Yuna wanders up to it and sits down. Then Tidus's head peaks out from behind the curtain.

Tidus: I remember... That night, we talked for the first time. I didn't know it then, but after that night, everything changed. For everyone...For me...For Spira…For the galaxy…For the universe…

Blitz player (popping back onstage): Ya, we get your point, brudda. Let's get on wid it.

Tidus approaches Yuna.

Tidus: Hey, I'm sorry about breaking in the temple…

Yuna: But it was really my fault to begin with. I'm Yuna.

Thank you so much for your help earlier.

Tidus (blinking): I helped? I don't recall ever… I mean…. Guess

I...kind of overreacted.

Yuna: Oh, no. I was...overconfident.

Tidus: Um, I saw that chicken thing. That's um, interesting!

Yuna (glaring): It's called an Aeon! But anyway, do you think I can become high summoner?

Tidus: um…

Lulu and Wakka appear from behind the curtain as the music swells.

Yuna: Me, to follow in my father's footsteps and become (sings) High Summoner! (speaking) Me, Yuna, defeating Sin as (sings) High Summoner!

Lulu/Wakka/Yuna (sing):

High, high Summoner!

High, high Summoner!

Hi-I-I-I-igh High Summoner!

High Summoner! High Summoner!

High! High! Sum! Sum!

Wakka/Lulu/Tidus:

High Summoner!

High Summoner!

She's gonna become High Summoner!  
How could anybody be  
Half as fortunate as she?  
We'll be at her side,  
When she's a deified  
High Summoner!

High Summoner!

High Summoner!

She's gonna become High Summoner!

Yuna (to the audience) I've got a wonderful father-- who's dead, an uncle and cousin I don't even know, and now this!

Wakka/Lulu/Tidus:

Someday we'll gain fame  
When Yuna earns the name

Tidus (speaking): Yuna, why are we singing?

Wakka/Lulu/Yuna: High Summoner! (The number finishes and Lulu and Wakka go back behind the curtiain.)

Tidus: Whoa, that was weird.

Yuna: So, tomorrow, then.

Tidus: Tomorrow?

Yuna (raising her eyebrows): You know…

Tidus (starting to sweat): So soon?

Yuna: We're going on the same boat, aren't we?

Tidus: Oh, really? So you're saying you want to…

Yuna: Save it for tomorrow. Then, we can talk more. You can tell me all about… Zanarkand! (She walks off swinging her hips.)

Wakka (popping his head out from behind the curtain): She's cute, ya?

Tidus (fanning himself): Yeah!

Wakka: Don't get no ideas.

Tidus: No promises there, big guy. Hey, but what if she, like, comes on to me?

Wakka: That's not going to happen.

Tidus (to audience): That's what he thinks.

Wakka: If you get tired, let me know. I had a bed made for you.

Tidus: Okay for tonight, but tomorrow, I'm getting a better roommate. (He rubs his hands together)

Wakka (oblivious): Hm? Ready for bed?

Tidus: Yeah.

Wakka: Good. Sleep tight.

A/N: Another short scene, but I intend to write more real soon (Christmas break, anyone?) I hope that was funny enough for you people. Sorry about the lack of songs. (In case you were wondering, that was "Hymn for a Sunday Evening" from _Bye Bye, Birdie_)


	5. Kimahri Fights Like a Girl

Scene Transition

Tidus is sleeping on a mat in front of the curtain. Yuna enters, and he stands up to greet her. As the scene progresses, it becomes apparent that he is dreaming.

Tidus (looking around eagerly): Where's the boat?

(Yuna inches towards Tidus and puts her arms around him.) Everyone will find us if it doesn't come soon.

Tidus: You really sure this is okay? (He gulps but embraces her in return.)

Yuna: Would you take me to Zanarkand?

(Rikku enters. Tidus and Yuna break apart, and he starts running in place like an idiot.)

Rikku: Hey! You said you'd go with me! (Almost drooling, she clings to his arms.)

Tidus: Oh, hey... I, uh... (He tries to squirm out of her grasp but to no avail.)

Rikku: I thought Wakka told you not to get any ideas?

Yuna (looking affronted): He did?

Rikku: Yeah, so you're coming with me! (She starts dragging Tidus off the stage.)

A scraggily haired man with tattoos and no shirt enters. He swaggers left and right, indicating he is drunk. It is JECHT, whom we have heard offstage but not yet seen. He trips over himself and falls on his face. He recovers in time to say his line.

Jecht: Hey! Stop dreaming! You with a woman? You can't even catch a ball!

(Tidus breaks away from Rikku to sit on the stage. He begins blubbering like a baby. Yuna and Rikku stare catatonically ahead.)

Jecht (in mock concern): Oh, what's the matter? Gonna cry again? Cry, cry. That's the only thing you're good for!

Tidus (in stage whisper): I hate you.

(Jecht hiccups wildly and stares at Tidus like he is from another planet) Huh? What'd you say?

Yuna: You have to speak loudly.

(Tidus looks up) Picky, Picky, Picky! (He clears his throat and tries again) I hate you!

Jecht: Eh? (He sticks his fingers in his ears.) I think I'm going deaf!

Rikku: That's the spirit, Tidus, you hunk of dynamite!

Yuna: You can do it! (She glares at Rikku and adds): Remember who really wants you!

Tidus (screaming): I hate you!

Suddenly, all but Tidus are lifted off the stage on harnesses and our hero realizes he was dreaming. Then a voice is heard from behind the curtain.

Lulu's Voice: He's dead, okay? Dead! (Tidus walks to the center where the curtains meet and pretends to peek as the curtains are pulled apart a few feet, revealing Wakka and Lulu standing by the plastic glowing campfire from earlier.) He doesn't look a thing like Chappu anyway. I was surprised you even mentioned it. I don't know why. None of the idiotic things you say should surprise me any more.

Wakka: But Lu, my analyst says—

Lulu (sighing): Fine. You are the most muscular hunky blitzer I've ever seen. (Dully) Kiss me you fool.

Wakka (aside): And she wonders why I need a shrink.

Lulu: Back to business: no matter what he looks like, he isn't Chappu. You shouldn't have brought him here in the first place!

Wakka: I didn't bring him to Besaid Island, only to the village when he washed up on shore. What was I supposed to do, leave him there? He needed our help!

Lulu: Excuses again?

Wakka: Listen, bitch, I don't know why I love you so bad. You are an insensitive—

Lulu: That's it. No more. Enough, Wakka!

Wakka (sheepishly): Yes, ma'am

As Lulu walks away, Wakka comes in front of the curtain into the "tent."

Tidus (aside): Well, I guess we know who wears the pants in this relationship. (to Wakka) So, who's Chappu?

Wakka: My little brother, Chappu. He looked like you.

Tidus: He's dead?

Wakka: Naw, he just had plastic surgery so he don't look like you no more—of course he's dead, you clueless moron! He was with the Crusaders when they fought Sin last year. He didn't make it. I first heard on the day of the tournament.

Tidus: Oh, so that's why you sucked so bad. That bites.

Wakka: I became a guardian to fight Sin, ya?

Tidus (striking a pose): So you joined the Revenge of the Sith!

Wakka (confused): Um, I guess. The only ting is now I'm more worried about a stupid game now than avenging my brother. Well, after the next tournament, I'll be a guardian full-time. I know it kinda looks like I'm using you, but I'm not.

Tidus: No? Coulda fooled me. . .

Wakka: Come again?

Tidus: Don't worry. I mean, I owe you a lot. You really helped me out, you know? What I mean is... thanks, Wakka.

Tidus extends his hand, and Wakka reddens.

Wakka: Stop, you're embarrassing me!

Tidus: Why? It's not like I'm proposing marriage.

Wakka: You're not? (His shoulders sag in rejection.)

Tidus: Er . . .

Jecht (offstage): Wakka's bi?

Auron (also offstage): Shush, you lush.

Jecht (still offstage): You'd be pissed too if the damn harness gave you a wedgie!

Auron: …

The lights go off, and when they return, Tidus is once again sleeping on his mat. Wakka is approaching him with a black tube in his hand. Lulu stand off to the side adjusting her hair and looking at a handheld mirror.

Wakka: Hey! Sleepyhead! Something I want to give you. (He kneels and gives Tidus a noogie.)

Tidus: Whoa! Easy big guy; I told you I'm not interested in a long-term relationship.

Wakka (grinning): That was just a bonus, ya. I really came to give you this.

(He hands him the black tube. Tidus examines it for a second, trying to figure out what it is. He finds a button and pushes it. A beam of crystal blue light streams out from it. Lulu sees this and drops the mirror she's holding. It shatters into a million pieces.)

Wakka (to Lulu) Tsk, tsk, seven years bad luck, ya. (She glares at him.)

Tidus (oblivious as usual): Dude! A lightsaber? I knew you were with the Sith.

Wakka: Yeah, use it well!

Lulu (in a low voice): That's the sword you gave Chappu.

Wakka (flippantly): Well, he never used it. Where's Yuna?

Tidus: We're taking the same boat as Yuna, right? Why do we gotta wait here?

Wakka (launching into life-story mode): Yuna came to this village ten years ago, when the last Calm started.

Tidus: I had to ask. . . (Lulu's head is in her hands.)

Wakka (rambling on): Since then, she's been like a little sister to me and Lulu. But she had the talent... She became an apprentice. Now, today, she leaves as a summoner.

Lulu: This is our journey... We should leave together.

Tidus: What the hell is the calm? And what talent are you talking about? I'm sick and tired of not knowing jack about anything!

Wakka: Didn't I tell you? She's quite the belly dancer. But keep it under your hat.(Yuna enters the tent as if on cue, doing the dance of the seven veils. Tidus's jaw drops.)

Lulu: You really don't need all those scarves.

Yuna: That's why I'm taking them off. (She removes a scarf and Tidus begins to drool noticeably.) They're not really mine. They're gifts for the temples we're to visit.

Wakka: This isn't a pleasure cruise, Yuna.

Yuna (stops dancing much to Tidus's regret): I guess...I guess you're right. (She drops all the scarves, revealing a skimpy bikini. Tidus passes out.)

Wakka (hauling Tidus over his shoulder): Okay! Off we go! (Yuna takes a final look around the tent as the curtain opens, revealing the beach from earlier.)

Scene V: Besaid Island

For the first time, we are aware of a statue of a past Summoner on the far right of the stage. A dock is painted on the backdrop. Yuna is looking around the beach now and sighing.

Lulu: Take your time.

Tidus (reviving): Let's get going, man!

Wakka (letting him down) We're gonna wait. (to Yuna) Are you ready? (Yuna nods and they approach the statue. Wakka kneels down, performing the prayer he taught Tidus earlier)

Tidus: I hate to be Mr. Clueless, but as that seems to be how I was written: what's going on?

Wakka (continuing to pray): It's an ancient custom. People leaving the island pray here for a safe trip. Chappu didn't pray that day. Said he'd miss his boat. (He continues to pray for a while. Lulu takes out a nail file. Yuna shivers from her lack of clothing. Tidus tries to warm her by putting his arm around her, but she resists his advances. Finally Wakka stands.) That should do it! (The group heads off to the dock. All of a sudden, the furry blue lion runs on from the left of the stage and attacks Tidus. They battle clumsily for a few minutes.)

Wakka: That's enough! (Kimahri gets down on all fours and begins to purr while Wakka pets him.)

Tidus: What's with that guy?

Yuna (singing): Kimahri is a Ronso Cat who comes from Gagazet  
In fact he is the roughest cat I've ever met with yet  
From Luca up to Zanarkand he chases all the fiends  
To learn their way of fighting is the way he aids his friends.

His manners and appearance do not calculate to please  
His coat is torn and seedy it is baggy at the knees  
His horn is somewhat missing, no need to tell you why  
And he scowls upon a hostile world from his forbidding eyes

Lulu: The summoners of Kilika know something of his fame  
At Djose and the Moonflow they rejoice to hear his name  
People cheer to see the guardian who's proved to be such use  
At rounding up all foolish fiends when he is on the loose!

Woe to the weak Bashura that roams the mountain caves  
Woe to the flying Ahriman that stalks Zanarkand's graves  
Woe to the bristly Behemoth that claws and stomps and nips  
And woe to any fiend with whom Kimahri comes to grips!

Yuna/Lulu/Wakka: But even though to all the fiends his hatred has been vowed  
To him by other Ronso Cats no value is allowed  
The others of his species still regard him with much scorn  
Because it was a Ronso friend who mauled his broken horn

Wakka (as the song ends): Basically, he's another of Yuna's guardians.

Tidus: Why didn't you just say so? Why do you people have to sing everything? (They all shrug.)

Yuna: Sometimes we don't understand him either. Kimahri doesn't talk much anyway, but he has protected me since I was a child!

Just then a bunch of people come to say goodbye to Yuna. They wave and cry, and she answers them with the prayer as they prepare to board the ship.

Yuna: Goodbye.

Jecht (offstage): Now that was a profound ending to a crappy scene.

A/N: Once again my sincerest apologies for taking so long. baps fickle muse Song is "Growltiger's Last Stand" from Cats.


End file.
